I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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