Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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