Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
