We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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