Your face is a jimmy john
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
