Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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