are you still at the devil's house?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
