I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
