I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
