I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
