You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
