i would punch a child for taco bell
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
