Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
