just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
