she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
