idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
