Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
