Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
