the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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