remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
