I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
