you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
