got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
