I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
