Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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