Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
