I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
