Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Randomize
