RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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