we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
