Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
