Where is the hickey?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
