So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
