I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
