I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
