yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
