then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Dick very happy bro
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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