dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
