Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I stole a fireplace last night.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
