Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You can't special order awesome
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
We named our party play list daddy issues
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
