I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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