he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Two words: nipple clamps
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