Plan B is the new Plan A
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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