I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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