she is the kim kardashian of front butts
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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