I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
