im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
