I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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