At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
