I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
